The Paradox of Desire

The mind likes to hang around in the past or to be preoccupied with the uncertain future, this is a way out of pain, way out of unbearable here and now. But this is also a trap to alternative states of mind, continuing disconnection and another round of addiction. A person with addiction needs to work hard to stay present, to stay connected, to belong again (or to finally belong), and to deal with what is really in front of him/her. Disfunctional self-soothing for bearing the moment is obvious. But here are some simple (yet not easy) ways to soothe your mind in more healthy ways:

1. Use Chinese mindful movement practicies such as Tai Chi and Qui Gong.

Improves attentional bias and reduce sensitivity to addiction-related cues.

I once worked with a client struggling with alcohol addiction and PTSD. Although he had maintained five years of sobriety, his recovery plan remained a vast, empty landscape. He was "clean," but he wasn't yet living. With no social life, no professional engagement, and a profound inability to step out into the world, he existed in a state of isolated survival.

Despite his brilliant mind and warm heart, he was alone in a desert—with no shade for shelter and no solid ground to stand on when the winds of trauma began to blow.

In our sessions, we explored a singular question: What could possibly enter this desolate space? We searched for something small—a manageable action requiring just five minutes a day. Something that wasn't mindless scrolling or getting lost in the "doom-scrolling" of the news. Eventually, he remembered the groundedness he once felt through Tai Chi and Qi Gong. He recalled how those movements helped him unwind and find a brief moment of internal rhythm.

Even with such a small goal, he was terrified of the commitment. We spent months working through the layers of fear and the pressure of "doing it right."

Then, one day, with a quiet sense of self-honor, he announced: "I’ve been doing Tai Chi and Qi Gong for five minutes every day for two weeks."

That moment was profound. It wasn't just about the movement; it was the first tree planted in his desert. It was the shift from mere abstinence to active recovery—the first step in broadening his horizon toward a life of connection and presence.

-2. Use meditation or yoga.

Research shows that yoga can reduce stress by improving the neurobiological determinants of stress, facilitate recovery og the grey matter which was damaged by addictive behavior, and be helpful in improving inhibitory control by bringing functional and structural changes in the brain.

Read more: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11064691/

3. Call or visit a friend.

The "Phone Call Paradox": Why We Text Instead of Talk (And Why It's Harder in Recovery)

It's a modern paradox: we're more connected than ever, yet a simple phone call can feel like a monumental task. This isn't just a quirk; it's a growing social phenomenon – our brains are increasingly wired for the low-effort, asynchronous communication of texting. We prefer to edit, delay, and control our interactions, avoiding the raw intimacy of real-time talk.

For those navigating recovery from process addictions like compulsive porn or sex, this challenge is amplified. The addicted brain is accustomed to super-stimuli: instant, high-dopamine hits without the "work" of genuine connection. A friendly phone call, with its need for presence, vulnerability, and emotional processing, feels like a "low-reward chore" by comparison.

It's not that you're a "bad friend." Your brain's reward and social systems are recalibrating. The device itself can even be a trigger.

Small Steps Towards Connection: If a call feels too much, try a voice memo. It offers the warmth of your voice and tone, without the real-time pressure. This simple act can be a powerful step in rebuilding your "social muscle" and finding authentic connection beyond the screen.

4. Take a dog for a walk or consider volunteering at a local animal shelter (such as SOS for Dogs).

Interaction with animals facilitates the neurobiological release of oxytocin, often called the "bonding hormone." This neurochemical shift fosters a sense of emotional security and interpersonal trust, directly counteracting the feelings of isolation and hyper-vigilance common in addiction recovery.

Research indicates that petting or engaging with an animal significantly reduces cortisol (the primary stress hormone), promoting a state of physiological regulation and ease. Furthermore, these consistent, positive sensory experiences encourage neuroplasticity. By lowering the brain's stress response, animal interaction creates the cognitive "space" necessary for new neural pathways to form, allowing healthier coping mechanisms and pro-social habits to take root during the recovery process.

5. Cook, bake something new.

If you have a sarcastic smile on your face or a cynic sentence on your mind reading this “prescription”, it is not surprising. This is a fascinating and common clinical phenomenon. In addiction recovery, particularly with process addictions like porn or sex, we often see a "defense of cynicism" against the mundane. From a neurobiological and systemic perspective, there are several reasons why an addict’s mind produces sarcasm or cynicism toward simple life activities:

1. The Dopamine Gap (Neurobiological "Boredom")

The brain of someone struggling with addiction is accustomed to super-stimuli—high-intensity dopamine spikes from porn, substances, or risk-taking.

• The Reaction: When the brain is asked to engage in a "low-dopamine" activity like baking bread or walking in nature, the reward system feels "starved."

• The Cynicism: Sarcasm acts as a protective layer. The mind says, "This is stupid/boring," because it is literally struggling to feel pleasure from simple rewards. It is a defense against the painful realization of how desensitized the brain has become.

2. Resistance to "Vulnerability through Presence"

Simple activities like cooking or walking require Presence. For a trauma-survivor or an addict, being "present" is often the most dangerous place to be, because that is where the pain resides.

• The Logic: Sarcasm is a "distancing mechanism." If I mock the activity, I don’t have to fully commit to it.

• The Premise: "If I take this seriously and it doesn't fix my pain, I'll be devastated. So, I'll just laugh at it instead."

3. The "Addict Identity" vs. The "Healthy Self"

Addiction often builds a "rebel" or "outsider" identity. Simple, wholesome activities feel like "conformity" or "acting like a child."

• Cynicism is the "Addict Part" of the personality trying to maintain its territory. It sees "normal life" as a threat to its survival. By being cynical, the addict maintains a sense of "cool" or "superiority" over the mundane tasks of recovery.

4. Fear of Failure (Performance Anxiety)

Even something as simple as a recipe can trigger a fear of failure. If an addict has felt like a "failure" in life for years, even a burnt cake can feel like a confirmation of their worthlessness.

• The Sarcastic Agenda: "I'm not failing at baking; I'm just too 'deep' or 'complex' for such trivial things."

What does the science tells us:

Following a recipe provides a clear and structured activity, helping to develop regularity and discipline. Baking requires concentration and attention to the moment. This helps temporarily disconnect from negative thoughts and fully focus on the task. This mindfulness effect contributes to stress reduction, which is essential in preventing relapse. Cooking and baking engaged different sensses, linked to success and a boost of self-esteem, creating healthy pathways of reward association in the brain. You could engage in this activity in group, and thus make it a social outfit. Good news - less eye-contact in the beggining.